Five Myths about Couples Therapy that May be Holding You Back from Growth

Have you ever wondered if you and your partner might benefit from couple therapy only to shrink away from it?  Maybe you’re afraid that your partner won’t be open to it. Maybe you decide that ultimately, you don’t really need it.  These thoughts, along with other misconceptions, are what hold couples back from getting some much-needed help, and unfortunately, couples will often wait many years before finally seeking professional help for their relationship problems.  Today, I want to share some of the common misconceptions of couple therapy in the hopes that the clarity behind these misconceptions will actually encourage you to find the help sooner rather than later.

Misconception #1:  Couple therapy is for those with big problems in their relationship.

It can be hard work to overcome the stigma many people in our society feel towards seeking therapy.  And it can be really tough to feel like you are “airing your dirty laundry” in couple therapy.  Some people judge themselves and think that, “If we are seeking couple therapy, then that means our relationship has failed.”  If you are having thoughts like that, I want to encourage you to let go of the critical judgment and give yourself some gentleness and compassion.  It is actually a huge sign of strength to seek help.  Seeking care does not equate to failure by any means.  Another approach might help--Rather than asking if you “need” therapy, ask if you and your partner may grow or benefit from it.

Remember this as well:  While it is perfectly okay to seek therapy when you are experiencing a lot of distress from your relationship, it is also okay to seek therapy for “prevention” or “maintenance.”  What does that mean?  Think of attending to your relationship health like how you would maintain your physical health.  Rather than waiting until “doctor’s orders” to make changes to your diet and exercise, think about how consistent habits of good diet and exercise would prevent issues and maintain good health. 

Couple therapy can help couples at different stages of their relationships and help you and your partner make decisions together.  Perhaps you’re wondering about getting married, or perhaps you and your partner are considering having a baby together.  Couple therapy can help you identify and maintain the current strengths in your relationship.  Knowing what you’re doing well and being able to continue these things is crucial in maintaining your relationship health.  Therapy can also help you further explore difficult patterns that you and your partner get stuck in and help you to create positive change.  Your couple therapist might even help you anticipate issues that may come up as you go through certain transitions or stressors in your relationship and help you to prevent any existing issues from getting worse. 

Misconception #2: There is nothing that a counselor can offer that my family or friends can’t.

While it is absolutely important to turn towards your friends or family for support, it is a misconception that talking to a therapist is just like talking to a friend.  Therapy is different from talking to a friend.  Good couple therapists are trained in dispensing treatments that are backed up by research.  Evidenced based couple therapy has been shown to be highly effective.  A good couple therapist will listen to both you and your partner, help you both understand each other more, help you resolve your conflicts, and help you develop more closeness and intimacy.

Misconception #3: “It doesn’t work.” 

Seeking therapy can be scary. It’s not easy to be vulnerable, let alone being vulnerable in front of someone new.  You might feel uncomfortable or even tense.  And it’s true.  Sometimes you’ll have those “tough” sessions where you may feel worse before you start feeling better.  It’s during these moments that it’s easy to let those misconceptions creep in: “This just isn’t working!”  “Things are getting worse!”  Perhaps it’s helpful to know that these feelings are all part of the process.  Relationships are messy at times.  So too is the working through the issues.   And that’s maybe the key word here: work. Like any goal, your relationship goals need work in order to be achieved.  There will be struggle; there will be difficulties; and there may even be tears and hurt.  But that doesn’t mean you’re not getting closer to the finish line; it doesn’t mean that the therapy isn’t working.  Sometimes, the things most worth having require the most struggle.  And remember the pain will pass.  You can also experience joy, connection, and closeness together. 

Many therapists offer complimentary consultations to help you see if they are a fit for you.  If you are having the types of worries noted above, or if you’ve had difficult experiences with therapy in the past, consider bringing them up during the consultation.  Similarly, if you’re in therapy currently and you’re feeling uncertain about something, see if you can bring up your concerns directly with your therapist.  Therapy is a collaborative process, and having these discussions with your therapist is important. 

Misconception #4: The therapist will side with my partner.

This misconception might stem from the notion that a therapist is there to hear your arguments against one another.  In fact, you are not lawyers arguing your case, and your therapist, is not your judge.  Rather, good couple therapists are trained to assess the patterns of interactions between you and your partner.  They hear both sides and help you and your partner understand each other more.  They aren’t there to take sides.  They see your relationship (rather than just you or just your partner) as their client.  They want to help you and your partner grow together.

Misconception #5: “It’s too time consuming.” 

When we think that something is taking up precious time, we generally think of that thing as a bother or a chore.  Instead, consider couple therapy time as “couple together time,” or even an adventure where you learn more about each other; grow closer together.  Certainly, time spent checking in with one another is worth it.  The typical course of couple therapy starts out one session per week, and many therapists have 45-to 50-minute sessions.  Similar to the idea mentioned above about maintaining your physical health, it does take some time commitment, and it is also worthwhile.  The tools and gains you acquire in your session expand beyond just the hour you spend with your therapist, into the days and weeks ahead.  In the grand scheme of things, about an hour once a week, pale in comparison to the lifetime of relationship between you and your partner.  Are you and your partner willing to set aside some time each week to work on your relationship? 

If you might be interested in seeking couple therapy or have questions about the therapy process, please feel free to reach out to me for a free consultation.  I can answer questions you have and provide you with my professional recommendations.  I am sending you warmth.  Take care. 

Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the Los Angeles area. She has dedicated her career towards helping couples develop more joy and connection in their relationships. She specializes in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, a form of therapy that is has strong research support. She is based in Torrance, CA and sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.