How to heal from a breakup?

Breakups hurt. They can leave you feeling a myriad of negative feelings. Sometimes, it may feel like you’re doomed to be stuck trying to pick up the pieces. But it doesn’t have to be that way. After the end of a relationship, there are some things you can do to cultivate healing. 

1. Be self compassionate. 

It’s easy to doubt yourself after a breakup.  You may even blame yourself for missed opportunities or even start seeing yourself as somehow less than adequate.  You might wonder about “what if’s” or replay scenarios in your mind.  You can catch yourself when you start to have these thoughts, and remind yourself to be gentle with yourself.  There is really no way to answer those “what if’s,” so patience with yourself is key.  Think about how you would treat a dear friend going through a breakup.  Perhaps you would sit with them, listen to them, and let them talk about how they feel.  How can you treat yourself and your own emotions with kindness?

2.  Reach out to others. 

Often people have a tendency to stay to themselves when they are going through a hard time.  However, doing this in excess can lead to more feelings of low mood and loneliness.  What if you do want time to yourself?  Pay attention to your needs.  Find a balance between time for self reflection and time to be with others.  Perhaps plan one or two activities in the week when you can connect with others.  Even if you don’t really feel like it, planning these activities and sticking with them can uplift your mood.  If it is really hard to come up with ideas, perhaps think of things you used to enjoy.  Reconnect with a friend you haven’t talked to in a little while or do something enjoyable with a friend or family member you are close to.

3.  Try something new. 

Mark new beginnings with new exploration.  Are there things you’ve always wanted to do but just haven’t gotten around to it?  Why not make some time for it now? This does not have to be anything life altering; it can be as simple as going to a restaurant you’ve always wanted to try, trying a new recipe, going to an exercise class you haven’t tried before, visiting a new clothing boutique, or joining a book club or a meet up group for the first time.  You can also think about things you’ve always wanted to learn, such as a skill or a language, and try them.   

4.  Make time for self-reflection. 

As alluded to in #2 above, while it is important to connect with and be with others, it is often healing to find time for self-reflection as well.  See what works best for you in this process.  Are you someone who enjoys coloring or journaling?  Are there particular times in your day when you can check in with yourself about how you are feeling?  Are there particular places you might enjoy being in when you work on processing your thoughts and feelings?  No matter what emotions come up, see if you can be gentle and kind towards yourself.  Also check in with yourself about what your needs are during these moments.  For example, if you are feeling lonely, is there someone you can call to talk to?  How about if you are feeling down?  Is there a self-care activity you might enjoy?  If you’re finding that you continue to struggle in this process, you can also consider seeking psychotherapy to help you towards greater healing.  A good-fit counselor can help you gain clarity and work towards your goals.

Breakups are hard. And while there’s no secret formula or magic spell to just make the pain go away, there are things you can do to bring about healing as you journey to establishing your new normal. With a solid community at your side and some self-compassion, you will make it through to the other side.

Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.