Repairing After a Fight
Perhaps you’ve heard that conflicts are inevitable in close relationships, and this may be especially so in your relationship with your romantic partner. There are many factors that contribute to the inevitability of arguments and fights: living in close, constant proximity to one another, differences of opinions and upbringings, habits that grate on one another.... They happen. Add to that now, the stress of living in a world with a pandemic and the recipe is ripe for tension or conflict.
The important thing though, is how you go about repairing after these conflicts. Today, I want to share an example from my own life from a few weeks ago as well as talk about some things you can do to come back together and heal some of the wounds that conflict may cause.
Three months of quarantine life can be a lot on someone's mental and emotional health. It certainly was for me and my partner. It was supposed to be a fun family day, and it did start off that way. Back when things were starting to open up again, we planned a safe, socially distanced trip to a botanical garden that we live close by to. And while the trip itself was a good time, it came at the cost of throwing our routines off and a gnawing hunger at the end of the trip. We were all of us tired, a little sunbaked, and getting grumpy and hangry by the time we got home.
Long story short, an innocuous question I asked my partner and his response to the question sent us spiraling into one of the worst fights we have had in recent history. I'll spare you the details, but that's sometimes how it happens, isn't it? All is going well and yet, the smallest of things can tip the relationship dynamic down into angry, tear-filled exchanges leaving the both of you licking your wounds and wondering how you got there. For us, what started as a beautiful day at the garden turned into an ugly fight that left us both reeling and hurt.
The good news though is that we worked it out. There's a happy ending and there was reconciliation and a returning to one another. The fact that conflict is inevitable doesn't mean that we're not in control of our relationships or how things turn out. Repairing the relationship after a conflict is a powerful way that we are able to turn something painful into something that can grow our relationships and even help us grow closer together.
One way to do that is to find time after the conflict to discuss it. This may sound a little "nerdy" or even feel uncomfortable, but it can work. As a matter of fact, taking a step away from the situation and emotions felt at the time and examining things can maybe help you as a couple stay objective and steer clear of another fight. The key is to make sure that you're both in a good space to talk about things. Before I get into the details though I do want to acknowledge that even the idea of revisiting something as painful as a bad fight can be of great discomfort. You may get tempted to avoid it or kick it down the road over and over again. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable. Scabs from the wounds of the conflict might even peel back a little bit and that is not an easy thing. But the benefits outweigh the costs.
When my partner and I finally got down to sitting together and exploring the fight, we took a very systematic approach and examined the triggers that led to the fight. We also looked at what we were trying to communicate to one another during the fight, but weren't able to because we were angry, sad, etc. and the communication suffered as a result of this. We talked about the underlining emotions we were feeling in the moment that impacted our outward actions. Finally, we were able to come up with ideas about what to do the next time we start sensing a conflict coming on. Really though, the biggest thing that night was that we were able to really hear what the other person was trying to say.
Another thing to help in the recovery is to have a "do-over." Again, this may feel uncomfortable or seem unnatural, but in the end, is perhaps worth giving a try. A do-over is exactly what it sounds like: you and your partner decide to engage in the conversation again, except this time, you get a chance to rephrase things. Think about how you were feeling before you two got into an argument. How can you express your emotions and requests in ways that your partner can hear better? You can also work on listening to your partner’s feelings and needs calmly and validating their emotions. In doing so, hopefully you are both able to express yourselves and feel heard. Think of all those movies where you see the time loop trope. Characters get a second crack at things. The goal and hope is that you come out of this re-do having found a resolution, a compromise, or at least, if neither is achieved, understanding where the other party stands.
Such strategies (examining the argument after and “do-overs”) can be a great way to not only reconcile and draw closer together, but also ensure that things don't stay inside of you, bubbling, simmering. And while these might be a little tricky to do at first, the more you practice, the better you get at it. You may also consider walking through these or other ideas with a couples counselor to get more support and guidance. You then equip yourselves with great tools for the healing that you want and need after an argument erupts. If you are interested in couple therapy, I am a licensed clinical psychologist who has dedicated my career towards helping couples repair, heal, and reconnect. Please feel free to reach out to me for a consultation.
You might also like…
“How To Avoid Big-time Fights: 8 Tips for Successful “Time-Outs”
“Seven Tips for Maintaining your Relationship Health”
Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the Los Angeles area. She can guide you and your partner to communicate better and resolve your conflicts. She is based in Torrance, CA and sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.
Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.