What are signs your relationship is in trouble?
Long before applying for graduate school in clinical psychology, I was intrigued by the topic of romantic relationships. What makes relationships work or fail? What helps relationships stay strong? That’s why, true story, when I saw Dr. John Gottman on Oprah talking about his research, I was intrigued. It was neat to know that the types of questions I wondered about were actually being studied scientifically. Later, I would indeed pursue a doctoral degree in clinical psychology. While in graduate school and since then, both my clinical and research focus were on couple relationships, which laid a foundation for the work I do today.
So, today, I want to revisit some ideas and findings by Dr. Gottman and share them with you. While I have learned a lot about romantic relationships through other frameworks and theories throughout my career, I often think about Dr. Gottman’s concept of the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse.
What are the “Four Horsemen of Apocalypse”?
The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are the four types of communications that predicted relationship distress and divorce in Gottman’s research. I think of them as danger signs in relationships. Below I will briefly describe each of the horsemen and what Gottman recommends as antidotes to each issue.
Criticism is characterized by attacking one’s personality or character. The antidote to criticism is the idea of a soft or gentle startup. Bring up your concerns without using criticism or contempt. When you are working on a soft or gentle startup, you can use “I” statements about your feelings and needs, rather than “you” statements that may be more likely to be received as blame.
Contempt is characterized by behaviors such as sneering, mocking, name-calling, or eye-rolling at one’s partner. The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect. Create positive interactions with your partner to cultivate gratitude and joy.
Defensiveness is characterized by placing blame in one’s partner. The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your role in the conflict or issue between you and your partner.
Stonewalling is characterized by tuning out and withdrawing from your partner. The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing. Take a break to clam down before re-engaging in your discussion with your partner.
At times couples get so stuck in their negative patterns of communication that using the antidotes described above is very difficult. Having cognitive knowledge of the skills does not necessarily translate to ability to use the skills, especially when there is already a lot of tension or conflict in the relationship. There may be too many wounds in the relationship and so it will be difficult to make such changes. I recommend seeking out professional couples counseling to help. A couples therapist can help you explore the patterns in your relationship and guide you towards more emotional safety and connection with one another. You and your partner don’t have to do this on your own! You can seek support and get to a more fulfilling relationship!
I am a licensed clinical psychologist with expertise in relationship counseling. Please don’t hesitate to contact me for a consultation if I can be of support to you.
References:
“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Gottman and Silver
“The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes” by Ellie Lisitsa on The Gottman Institute blog
Please note this page contains Amazon affiliate link. If you click through and make a purchase, I may receive a small commission at no additional cost to you.
Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the South Bay Los Angeles area. She has dedicated her career towards helping couples develop more joy and connection in their relationships. She sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.