Important Level of Communication You Might Be Neglecting in Your Relationship
It’s a given to say that healthy relationships usually require strong communication between partners. No one doubts that. But what exactly goes into good communication? How can we foster and nurture open communication? What does open communication even look like?
Today I want to look at different levels of communication between couples and encourage the practice of deepening conversations in ways that I believe can be especially helpful for relationships.
If I asked you to think about the kinds of conversations you have with your partner, what comes immediately to mind? Perhaps you might compartmentalize your conversations into things like “small talk” and “serious discussions.” Maybe those broad categories even splinter into more specific things, like “joking around,” or “family planning.”
What I’d like you to try though, is to think not in terms of types of talks, but the levels of talks that we have.
Take for example a “problem solving” discussion you might be having with your partner. Let’s say you’re both trying to figure out where you want to go out for dinner tonight, but you just can’t seem to get on the same page. One of you really wants pizza and the other person would love to have something more health conscious. What’s the natural progression for this conversation? Maybe both parties make known their preferences and when it’s clear those are at odds, there may be some debate, maybe followed by some kind of negotiation (we’ll get pizza tonight, but tomorrow it’s my turn to pick), some kind of compromise, and then resolution, right?
That’s a smooth conversation and one that is good. The two of you are able to land on the same page and the night progresses without a hitch. But what if you get stuck? What if it’s a little more difficult to find that happy middle ground?
I want to suggest going into a deeper level of the conversation: the emotional level of the conversation.
To approach your communication with the emotional level means to get at the “why” behind what you’re discussing. It means getting underneath the proposed action. Let’s take the dinner example. After expressing that you’d prefer to eat something healthier to the partner who voted for pizza, you might add to that that eating healthy is very important to you because you’ve been trying to watch your calorie intake. Or maybe the partner who wanted pizza can share why it’s important to them that they get pizza.
Sharing the emotion (why) behind the what can be beneficial because it allows your partner some clarity and gives them a chance to empathize with you. This in turn, leads to feeling heard. Sometimes couples rush into the action planning or problem solving without getting to the emotional side of things and that can make the planning or resolution less successful.
Let’s try this with something with a little higher stakes than talking about having dinner out. Let’s say one partner is feeling concerned about the other partner’s drinking. It might be tempting to dive right into a conversation about cutting back. Maybe you want to set a rule about limiting the intake to a specific amount. But what if the concerned partner shared how they felt when they notice their partner drinking? Maybe deep down they are worried that their partner’s drinking will lead to them losing their partner, in some sense.
Or let’s take another example. You and your partner have been inundated with work and childcare responsibilities. You’re itching for some connection. One partner expresses that they’d like to go on more dates. One level of communication is to go into the practical things. Where would you like to go? Who should we get for a sitter? When would you like to go out? These are very important things to discuss but again, I think adding that emotional side to these will lead to more understanding and empathy. How have you been feeling with fewer dates? How connected do you feel with your partner lately with things getting so busy and there being so little time for just the two of you?
Or how about the fights many couples have about money or finances? You and your partner can certainly sit down in front of spreadsheets and chart out a family budget together. However, often issues about finances are about deeper concerns, such as, “Do you trust me?”, “Can I count on you?”, and “Do we have the same values?” Imagine how healing it may be if you and your partner can really share with one another about the emotions that are driving your disconnection when you get triggered about finances.
A lot of times, we tend to skip the feelings behind the statements, but being able to express the emotions behind what we’re saying more clearly can go a long way in nurturing a healthier communication dynamic in the relationship. When we’re feeling heard and empathy from our partner, it enriches our relationship life. And you never know. Maybe sharing just how much you had your heart set on that cheese and marinara will win your partner over to team pizza after all.
It can be extremely hard to navigate these deeper conversations on your own. If you and your partner are getting stuck in your communication with one another, I highly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help you get out of your negative patterns. I am a licensed clinical psychologist in the South Bay area of Los Angeles, California, and I offer complimentary consultations for those in California who are interested in counseling. I provide teletherapy via secure videoconference platforms online. You can reach out to me by completing this form.
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Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the South Bay Los Angeles area. She has dedicated her career towards helping couples repair their relationships. She is based in Torrance, CA and sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.
Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.