Small Ways to Help Your Parter Feel Seen Go a Long Way
Do you feel seen by your partner?
I recently listened to Johns Hopkins professor and researcher Allison Pugh discussing human relationships, and specifically, connection, on the Hidden Brain podcast. While she spoke about the notion of "connective labor," something she describes as seeing others and feeling being seen, as something vital to occupations and professional relationships, I would apply that to our personal, intimate relationships as well. There is indeed power in feeling heard and seen by your partner as well as communicating in a way that your partner feels the same.
Humans desire to be seen and heard.
It's a natural phenomenon for all of us to want to be acknowledged. From the very young age of seeking our parents' attention ("Mommy, look what I can do!"), to raising your hand in class to seek that validation from your teacher, we all have an innate desire to feel heard and seen that follows us through all walks of life. More so than perhaps a desire, it can be a need. And once we feel seen and heard, it can have powerful positive effects.
Pugh references a story of a hospital chaplain that went to see a patient who was fuming over being intubated. While this patient couldn't speak or write due to his condition, the chaplain was able to see how upset he was. She suggested that he take a tissue box and throw it as hard as he could against the wall. Later, when the chaplain visited the patient again, he related to her just how much it meant to him that she was able to see him in his darkest moment. Just the simple act of seeing his anger had a profound effect on him; it was healing.
I think this can be a valuable story and lesson for us as we think about our partners and romantic relationships. Like the chaplain, we have the opportunity to see our significant others in some of their darkest times; we might be privy to those moments and seasons more than anyone else, as a matter of fact, and that opens the doors for opportunities for us to practice seeing and hearing our loved ones in these moments; and in doing so, to bring therapeutic healing to them. Likewise, if we are going through difficult times and our partner genuinely understands us in these times, these moments don't feel as lonely and isolating. As a matter of fact, Pugh points to research pointing to patients who feel seen by their doctors as having better health and well-being, so much so, that the impact of a positive provider-patient relationship exceeded that of taking an aspirin every day to stave off heart attacks! An important observation is that it isn't necessarily just the darkest moments of life (heart attacks, etc.), but that being seen can actually be a general boost to our overall well-being and daily life.
What gets in the way of connection?
Sadly, as Pugh points out, this feeling of being seen can be a rarity. The culprit? Busyness. If we're always rushing about and harried, it can be difficult to see the people right in front of us; the most important people in our lives. But practicing being present, allowing for yourself to be available to someone can help you stop, slow down, and truly hear the other person.
So how do we practice this? And what are some of the practical applications?
One way to help someone you love feel seen is to name the things they are feeling. If your partner has particularly rough day at work, and they're telling you the story about it, perhaps dealing with an annoying situation, you can help them feel understood if you name perhaps, the anger or frustration they must have felt. A lot of times, naming the emotion someone is feeling makes it safe for them to feel it; that is powerful.
Along with naming your partner's emotions, you might also repeat what they say to you. Doing so communicates that you've understood and actually heard what they've said. It sounds redundant, but think about it. How many times are we distracted, on our phone, etc. and our loved one says something to us and our only response is a halfhearted "Uh-huh, yep," or worse, "Huh, what?" Repeating something, as Push says, allows you to "give the essence" of what they're saying and feeling back to them.
And while this isn't necessarily the hardest thing to do, it can also be difficult too, and we sometimes miss the other person. When this happens, there can be a rupture of sorts in the relationship. The partner feels unheard, unseen. The good thing is that there is always the chance to come back; to revisit and try again, and to reconcile and heal. You might acknowledge that you missed what your partner meant or said earlier, and you would try a do over at reflecting what their emotions were or what they were trying to communicate.
The other great thing about this is that it can be an everyday thing that we practice. If we are able to just allow ourselves to sit down for five minutes with someone, to hear their stories, to name their feelings and to offer back to them, what we know about them now that they've shared, like our individual health and well-being, the relationship and bond between us and our loved ones can be nurtured and given a nice little boost in health!
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Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) who specializes in helping couples cultivate connection. She sees clients throughout the state of California via secure online therapy platforms. Stuck in a relationship where you aren’t feeling seen and want things to change? Reach out to Dr. Hsueh today for a consultation.
Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.