The Missing Piece in Your Communication
Noticing yourself getting into frequent arguments with your partner? The missing piece in your communication may be the ability to slow down and share your underlining emotions rather than getting reactive and/or defensive. An important experience in building a closer connection with your partner is your ability share your genuine, authentic, and vulnerable emotions with your partner, and vice versa. The same goes for when you are the listener. You can work on developing the ability to really listen for your partner’s underlining emotions, even when they aren’t directly identified or named. This can be done both in daily conversations as well as in conflict resolution. When you notice you are about to get reactive, you can slow down, check in with yourself, see how your body is feeling, and ask yourself, “What am I feeling on the inside right now?”
Perhaps an example can help illustrate my point. Let's say your partner comes up to you while you are still busy wrapping up your work for the day and says, “Would you like to go out and grab a bite to eat?” Your immediate response might very well be a quick "Sure!", or "I'm not really feeling up to going out tonight. I’m busy with work."
Let's say that you opt for the latter and your partner, hearing you reject the idea of going out together, is hurt, angry even, and says “Work, work, work! You never have time for me!”, leaving you wondering what you did to deserve such a reaction. What do you think may be happening?
This is where understanding the different levels of communication comes in. Underneath your partner’s invitation to go out and grab a bite, there may be something more. When we peel back the words being spoken and attune to the feelings underneath, perhaps we can see that "Would you like to go out and grab a bite to eat?" is really saying, "I miss you and want to spend some time with you." Similarly, while you may feel criticized as your partner got angry, leading you to want to shut down or defend, there may be more that is happening on the inside for both you and your partner in that moment.
Now, to be fair, I am not saying you need to be, or can be, a mind reader. What I am encouraging you and your partner to do is to be aware of the deeper, more emotional level of communication.
Perhaps your partner in this example wasn’t even aware at first how much they have been missing you, or how sad they felt before when they made a bid for connection with you and felt turned down. Or perhaps they were aware on some level but have been fighting against being with their sadness and loneliness, much less expressing these vulnerable emotions directly to you.
Perhaps when the two of you sit down to reflect together on the connection between the two of you, your partner may be able to tell you: "I really miss spending alone time with you. We've been so busy lately, I'm sad that we haven't had a chance to connect." And as your partner shares, can you get in touch with the part of you that has empathy and compassion for your partner? Maybe you let your partner know that you need half an hour to finish work and that you too would like to go out to eat. Or perhaps, even if you really aren’t wanting to go out for dinner, you can still connect with your partner by proposing other ideas for connection: "I'm so sorry. I'm just too exhausted to go out tonight. I miss you, too, and I would also love to connect with you. Perhaps we can order in and watch our favorite show together tonight. And maybe we can make a reservation at our favorite spot for this Friday night. What do you think?"
And let’s say you weren’t able to catch your partner’s bid for connection, and you feel sad when they criticized you for not making time for them. Is there a way you can let them know how sad and uncomfortable you feel when you feel like you are letting them down? This might not be your instinct when you are feeling frustrated or hurt from the criticism. And yet, if you look underneath, perhaps there is also an achy feeling of wanting your partner to understand how much you do want to care for them and how bummed out you feel when you feel you’re not doing that. If you allow yourself to share vulnerably, it may allow your partner to understand you more. This type of vulnerable sharing between the two of you will allow your connection to deepen. You both can understand and care for each other more. Now, isn’t that beautiful?
If you are finding yourself stuck in your communication with your partner, couples therapy can help! As a licensed psychologist in California, I help couples learn about their communication patterns so they can get unstuck and create new, positive ways of interacting with one another. I specialize in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, a form of therapy that has been shown to be very effective in helping couples. Please feel free to reach out to me for a complimentary consultation if I can be of support.
You might also like…
“Important Level of Communication You Might Be Neglecting in Your Relationship”
“It’s Time to Put Your Relationship on the Calendar”
“Tips for Finally Meeting Your Exercise Goal (And Growing Closer to Your Partner)”
Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) and relationship therapist in the Los Angeles area. She helps couples understand difficult communication patterns they get stuck in, to share more openly with one another, and to gain more security and intimacy in the relationship. She is based in Torrance, CA and sees clients throughout the South Bay as well as throughout the state of California via secure online therapy platforms. You can reach out to her for a complimentary consultation to see if therapy may help you.
Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.