Is This Cognitive Bias Ruining Your Relationship With Your Partner?

When I was an undergraduate student studying psychology, I found myself finding the

“fundamental attribution error” to be so interesting. Recently, I was reminded of how understanding this cognitive bias can help people in their relationship with their partners.

In a nutshell, the fundamental attribution error is the human tendency to attribute other people’s actions to their character or personality rather than external, contextual, or situational factors. This tendency can play out quite often in romantic relationships.

For example, think about the typical, stereotypical fights we hear about couples having. Whether it is a debate about how to unload the dishwasher, which way the toilet paper should roll, or what to do with the toilet seat, understanding how the fundamental attribution error can play a role in your judgment of your partner may be helpful. For example, if your partner is always leaving the toilet seat up, or if their preference is to have the toilet paper roll dispense under rather than over, you may be inclined to think, “What an inconsiderate person they are!” when you find that seat up and that toilet paper rolling in the way you consider to be “the wrong way.” If you’ve tried to communicate your preferences and still find these behaviors occurring, you might say to yourself, “They aren’t caring towards me.”

The fundamental attribution error came up in a recent Hidden Brain podcast episode: “You 2.0: When Did Marriage Become So Hard?” In it, host Shankar Vedantam discusses some very interesting things pertaining to marriage and I’d like to share some highlights with you.

Vedantam talked to Stephanie Coontz, historian and the author of the book Marriage, A History about how the function of marriage has shifted over the years. Coontz explained that marriage originally arose as a way of sharing resources and establishing peaceful relations with other groups. For example, she shared about the alliances between Egypt and Rome through Cleopatra’s relationships. She also shared about bakers marrying other bakers so they can run their bakery together. Marriages were primarily about economic partnership or survival.

By the second half of the 19th century in the United States, the idea of marrying for love became more prominent. This model of marriage celebrated the coming together of people who were at times radically different from one another. Think about all the tropes of the opposites attract stories we see in movies or shows.

Vedantam also talked to social psychologist Eli Finkel, who is the author of the book, The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work, about how marriages today tend to complement the emphasis on love with a new emphasis on achieving personal growth. Finkel explains, “we wanted to self-actualize through our marriage. We wanted to grow into a more authentic version of ourselves.” Marriages are no longer about basic economic survival but about fulfilling higher order emotional and psychological needs.

So why am I telling you all this? Finkel also offered ideas on how people today can recalibrate or align their expectations of marriage with what marriage can realistically offer.

One of the ideas Finkel and Vedantam discussed is recognizing the impact of the fundamental attribution error. Rather than labeling your spouse with a characterological assessment, such as, “My spouse is always such a jerk.” when they come home late and have kept you waiting, you can try something like reminding yourself of the circumstances around your spouse’s behaviors. Perhaps they have been under a lot of pressure at work, or perhaps there was a crisis at work or some traffic on the way home. Since it is human nature to default to explaining other people’s behaviors as elements of their character, this will not be easy to do. Yet, you can remind yourself that you have some control over how you interpret things, and you can practice seeing your partner’s behaviors through a more generous and kind lens, giving them the benefit of the doubt. This may result in you being happier.

In the podcast episode, Finkel also described other “love hacks” that you might find interesting. He shared that research shows people tend to think compatibility in relationship is fixed. Finkel suggests that rather than seeing your compatibility with your partner as fixed and not changeable, it may be helpful to adopt a growth mindset. Next time you go through a difficult moment with your partner, try to catch any doom inducing thoughts such as, “Oh no, we just aren’t’ compatible” and replace it with more helpful thoughts such as, “We can think about some ways to grow in our relationship together.”

Finally, Finkel also proposes the idea that some people may benefit from asking for less out of our marriages. Rather than having your spouse be the sole person to fulfill all of your emotional and psychological needs, consider diversifying your social portfolio. Think about how you can broaden your social support network outside of your marriage relationship. Do this in a way where you and your spouse are in agreement. Is it possible that adjusting your expectations in your marriage by asking less from it may help? What do you think?

What if you’ve tried similar approaches as the “love hacks” described above but they aren’t working? A lot of couples get stuck in a negative feedback loop in their relationship. It can take other important strategies to help you understand your negative patterns and to undo them. If you are finding yourself frustrated and feeling reactive in your relationship with your partner, it may be helpful to consider working with a clinical psychologist with expertise in couple therapy. I have worked with many couples to help them get unstuck from their negative cycles and develop more positive and satisfying relationships. I work with couples in California via secure video calls. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me for a free consultation if I can be of support to you.

You might also like…

“What is your love language, and does it matter?”

“How to break out of a rut in your relationship?”

“Five Myths about Couples Therapy that May be Holding You Back from Growth”

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Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in the Los Angeles area. She has dedicated her career towards helping couples develop more joy and connection in their relationships. She is based in Torrance, CA and sees clients throughout California via secure online therapy platforms.

Image Disclaimer: Stock photos used. Posed by models.