Seven ways to “fight better” with your partner, according to a clinical psychologist
Even the most loving couples sometimes find themselves caught in conversations that quickly become tense, hurtful, or unproductive. When emotions are high, it can be hard to say what you mean, hear what your partner is trying to share, or remember that you are ultimately on the same team. The good news is communication is a skill, and small shifts can make a meaningful difference. Whether you are dealing with day-to-day stressors or going through a particularly tough season in your relationship, practicing these strategies may help you and your partner get through conversations with more clarity and connection.
1. Focus on your own emotions.
When you are sharing concerns, avoid using “you” statements that may lead your partner to feel criticized or defensive. Instead, use “I” statements and focus on your needs. For example, you can say: “I feel frustrated when you come home late after telling me you’d be home for dinner at 6pm.” as opposed to something like, “You’re late again. We have been waiting for you to start dinner!
2. Take it slow.
When either your or your partner are starting to get emotionally dysregulated or tense, and you know the conversation is not going to be productive, slow down or call a time-out. To slow down, notice how your body is feeling or notice the negative patterns you and your partner may be in when you are communicating. Tell your partner you’d like to slow down the conversation so that you can understand one another better. If it’s too difficult to slow down and talk calmly, consider a time-out. In order for time-outs to work, it is important to decide ahead of time how you will call a time-out, how long each round of time-out will be, as well as how you will come back together after a time-out. You can learn more about my tips for successful time-outs via this blog post. After the time-out, you can come back together and reset.
3. After a difficult argument, make sure you repair.
Repairing is one of the most important strategies in all close relationships. This may be to approach your partner when you are both calm, take ownership of how you contributed to the argument, and share about what you can actively work on to help the two of you communicate better. For example, you might say to your partner, “I’m sorry I yelled when you got home later than I was expecting. I understand something came up for you last minute at work. I was looking forward to sitting down for dinner together as a family, and I lost my cool when you got home later. I’m working on staying calm even when I feel frustrated.
4. Don’t let concerns pile up.
Have regular check-in’s or relationship meetings so that you are able to talk about concerns you have. This is also a great time to talk about things that are going well. When you and your partner have an established routine for regular check-in’s, it can help you both feel safer. This is because the person who wants to bring up a concern can know they will have a dedicated time to do so. And the person on the receiving end will be less likely to be blindsided when concerns are brought up during this set-aside time.
5. Be mindful of timing.
Outside of your regular check-in’s or relationship meetings, you can set yourself up for success by having conversations when you are both grounded and calm. You may have heard of the acronym HALT, which stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Often, when either partner is hunger, angry, lonely, or tired, you may be more reactive or easily triggered. You may consider having conversations outside of these moments instead.
6. When you share a need, be specific!
A lot of times people make requests that are too vague for their partners. First begin by sharing how you feel about the situation. After that, make a very specific request. For example: “I feel really stressed this week. Can you please give our baby a bath two days this week?” You and your partner can then figure out which days they can help with baby’s bath. This is different from something like, “Hey, I really need you to help me more with taking care of the baby.”
7. Remember you are on the same team.
It can feel so awful to be in a fight with your sweetie that discouragement can start to set in. In these moments, it can be powerful to remind yourself that you and your partner have tackled other hard conversations before. Conflicts are hard, and you can get through it. It can be powerful to say something like the following to your partner, “I know things are hard right now. I know we will figure this out together. I love you.”
You might also like…
Important Level of Communication You Might Be Neglecting in Your Relationship
How to Connect with Your Partner in One Minute, Five Minutes, or An Hour
Writer Bio: Dr. Annie Hsueh, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY25708) in California and a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. She sees clients throughout the state of California via secure online therapy platforms. Want to resolve conflicts faster with your partner? Schedule a free consultation with Dr. Annie Hsueh today.
Image Disclaimer: Image generated by AI.